I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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