Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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