My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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