guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
