george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
