I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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