at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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