I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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