have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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