I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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