i permit you to call me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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