We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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