Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
