I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
