The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
