Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
