He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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