explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
