dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
