I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
