woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
