I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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