p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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