i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
