I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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