happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
