My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
