hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
