Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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