I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm getting married
To pizza
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
