you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
