oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
