so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
