so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
