this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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