I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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