the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
