he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
