If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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