I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
