people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
