life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I am available for nakedness
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
