haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
