So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
