i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
