I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
