i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just gargled with NyQuil
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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