I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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