My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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