What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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