I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
