News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just high enough for therapy.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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