I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Jerry, you need to find god
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
