Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
