I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
