just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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