It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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